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Dude, where are your tears?

0 Comments 28 August 2013

autism

This little card says a lot about my life. No, MH is not ‘technically’ Autistic, though she is on the spectrum and she has a lot of autistic-like issues, OCD, anxiety, sensory integration, and on and on. Anyway, having a kid like MH, who not only has those challenges, but has a very low IQ, which makes explaining things, discipline, etc…like nailing jello to the wall, can be challenging in all kinds of ways. But this little card says so much…the things that could have sent me into a meltdown with my other two seem tiny and even comical in comparison. I am not saying, oh, my stuff is harder than your stuff, I am just saying that certain realities, certain suffering, certain experience…make your world a bit less rockable.
I really thought a lot about this in the last few weeks with my oldest daughter’s college drop-off looming. I couldn’t decide if I was unfeeling or a bad mom or what, but I was excited and not generally sad about it. Granted, I cried, I got sentimental, but when you live a day with MH, (I hope whoever reads this knows me well enough to put this in context) you are really happy that your children grow-up, mature, grow wiser, can be independent…hell, for that matter, wipe their bottoms and take a bath alone! The things that make me cry feel broader and bigger, not because being so about other things (like college drop-off) is trivial, so much as the ground of my life feels saturated with tears. Tears that come from every day life with a child that is terrified of having a menstrual cycle…a child that asks me over and over and over and over and over and over again (x4958) the same question, even though I say,”No!” every time…a child that wakes up out of control and goes to bed out of control…a child that only sees the NOW, not wait, not be patient it will come, not if you do this, then you get this. The weight of the grief of just regular life today combined with the weight of the worry of how I will care for her the rest of her life…it soaks me and the ground around me.
So when it comes time, sometimes, for the tears of just your regular life moments…I feel all cried out sometimes. I feel full of happiness for just the reality that my daughter can drive, that she can go to college, that my son can sit out back and sing and play his heart out, that he has a girlfriend, that he can be in choir. Yes, I miss my daughter and I am having to adjust to her being gone, but I am glad she CAN be gone, that she CAN begin a life of her own.
So, when parents like me don’t respond like you think we should, don’t be surprised, and please, don’t think you know why unless you ask. We aren’t trying to show-out and be all brave, we just might be all cried out that day!
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things to make you wonder~

“I am a frayed and nibbled survivor in a fallen world, and I am getting along. I am aging and eaten and have done my share of eating too. I am not washed and beautiful, in control of a shining world in which everything fits, but instead am wondering awed about on a splintered wreck I've come to care for, whose gnawed trees breathe a delicate air, whose bloodied and scarred creatures are my dearest companions, and whose beauty bats and shines not in its imperfections but overwhelmingly in spite of them...” Annie Dillard

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